Donna Simpson is batting a thousand. Or the 700 pound gal will be, if she reaches her goal to be ?Miss Obesity Universality.? Everybody should have a goal right? Even if the goal is wrong. A Miss Obesity Universality may not even exist, but rest assured, Donna does. Guinness Book of Records, anyone?
She figures 1,000 pounds, or a paltry 300 pounds more than she weighs now, ought to do the trick and get her the coveted fat-female-of-the-firmament award.
Donna is driven. Donna is determined.
Donna?s persuasive: her 4 yr old daughter is on her side. (She also has a 15 yr old son.)
Just because someone is a large ass doesn?t preclude someone from being a smart-ass. She reportedly makes 100,000 per year.
Scholars, health practitioners, anyone under her, and hand wringers may have a bone to pick with her: is going for the big-fat the big bad?
Should we not, rather, praise a woman who isn?t willing to settle for second best, and?isn?t?willing to let anything stand in her way (except maybe standing) in her quest to become the World?s Most Obese Woman?
Donna?s in her early 40?s and apparently, to meet her mark (and maker) she must put back some 12,000 to 15,000 calories per day. (The numbers vary depending on the article read.) Why this or that number?
What if she ate, say, a measly 6,000 calories per day? Wouldn?t that merely mean she?d take twice the time to reach the round thou?
Hey ? just whose dime is all this dining being done on? On hers? She?s a self-made woman?
Oh. OK.
She says she has 7,000 fee-paying fans watching her feed herself.
Oh. Er, um, OK.
She forks over 600 to 750 bucks weekly, for food. That?s a lot of bread.
So this is all on her nickel. She?s earned her money the old fashioned way, not through victim-hood or bitching for government entitlements, but by building a, well, bigger mousetrap.
Listen, are you going to argue with her? If she throws her weight around intellectually ? as well as she throws it around (well she can?t but you know what we mean) physically ? she?s sure to win any debate hands down.
Speaking of down, who?s going to look after the kids when she?s not around? How did she get pregnant in the first place? And those attracted to her beefing up ? what?s that all about ? this fat fetish? Feederism is a part of this fetish. No guff. Who makes up this stuff?
More questions gurgle up.
Should anyone freak that the little daughter might want to grow up to be ?just like mommy??
When Donna wants to relax, kick back, take a load off ? does she eat less?
How does the washroom thing work?
We know some governments have taken away kids deemed too fat, from their parents. Will a government take away a parent deemed too fat, from the kids?
How can she tell if one of her socks is the wrong color? Who cuts her baby toenails? Are fat jokes OK, now that Donna Simpson is show-boating the way?
Is junk food hunky dory for her to eat? Eating healthy is meaningless when one chooses corpulence, correct?
How much time does it take to chow down 12,000 calories? Does eating ?fast food? help? Do Jerome Bettis (?The Bus?) and William Perry (?The Refrigerator?) posters adorn her boudoir walls?
Robert Simpson, her man, ?supports her hobby.?
Let?s hope, not literally. Robert weighs 150 pounds.
Isn?t hobby the wrong word? Isn?t this vocation ? this devotion ? of stacking and packing, more of a lifestyle career choice? Who was the high school guidance counselor that helped with this big decision?
She says she?s not harming anyone. She also says she loves eating.
It?s hard not to argue with the first point. It?s easy as pie to agree with the second.
Some might say she has an eating disorder. Balderdash. Her eating is, if anything, ordered and orderly.
They say she ?revealed all? to the Daily Mail, a British tabloid. Reveal all? Hmmm. Aren?t some things better left to the imagination?
She believes that fat is beautiful. Debatable. And that it is healthy. Unlikely.
(Although, face it, if she were trapped on a mountain ledge with no buffet around, she could live off herself for a century or 2.)
The thing is she?s figured out food. This story has legs. Like it or not.
At least for now, the government of concern ? if indeed there is one ? figures it has bigger fish to fry than this New Jersey wannabe. Hard to believe, given the western world?s growing affection for the nanny state. So should the nanny state nag her fanny state?
All we can say is ? it is with gritty guts and gargantuan gut, that Donna does devour grub.
And her time?s not up! There is no finale on this overture to obesity, no last point in this longing for largeness, no ending in this exaltation of enormity, for conclusions are inconsequential, delusions as compared to the porcine scene to be seen.
And hey, as for you naysayers?
Lighten up.
Oops. Might have to scratch all this above. The home page of officialdonnasimpson.com has a letter from her. She wants to backtrack. And slim down. She?s had enough. Under ?The Whole Truth? she says, yes she did appear on the Tyra Banks show and yes, she admitted to wanting to gain weight, but that the hard numbers being bandied about were just so much media mumbo-jumbo.
Oh.
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